In a very unexpected move, Michelle Bachmann has decided to end her political career, presumably to become a Faux News Pundit while she battles her legal problems.
NOTE: To see the updated collection of Bachmann’s greatest hits a la Stephen Colbert, scroll to the bottom
If Bachman wasn’t crazy this cover by one of the world’s worst people, Tina Brown would have made no sense. Instead it made Newsweak a fortune.
Just two years ago, Michelle Bachmann was the front-runner for the Republican nominee for President (that is, if you pretend that Mitt Romney didn’t exist), today, she is political kitty-litter. In 2010 Bachman staged a coup for the Speaker of the House position, which can be, if credible, a fast track to party leadership even if the challenge fails. In Bachman’s case, she was awarded nothing and ended up a bit of a joke among House Republicans who resented her fund raising and lack of ability to share. Bachman’s nail-bitter to hang on to power also illustrated her weakness, with, well, uhm, the voters. Oh and of course, her unexpected retirement had nothing to do with her investigation over abuses of campaign funds she accrued during her run for the President which she of course did not use for illicit ends.
In what can only be described as the worst use of upbeat ambiguous political music in history, Bachmann, in her retirement video, rants and raves about conspiracy theories she seems to think she had a part in stopping, including Obama turning the Middle-East into an “evil Jihadist earthquake” despite that she admits these invisible plots to overthrow America are alive and well. She pledges to fight for innocent life, which I assume ignores her pro-war stance that includes a rant against Iran, implying that people who are unlucky enough to be born in an authoritarian state are not innocent (WAIT Bachmann says that Obama is a Stalinist are we just as ripe for death as well?)
She also addresses the fact that her retirement at such a young age is in no way connected to the scandals that are plaguing her or the recent polls that show her opponent winning. The fact that comments and even ratings (the ol’ thumbs up, thumbs down) are disabled seems to suggest that despite Bachmann’s continued devotion to democracy (sarcasm) she cannot seem to muster the ear to hear the voice of the people.
You may notice how poorly the upbeat music works against her deeply troubled mind and long-winded theories that seem deeply troubled themselves. It even outlasts the music… twice (which promptly restarts as it does in a Sim City video game, which the music very much emulates) and she keeps going on, blaming the Liberal Media and Obama for every problem in the world.
I never realized how upbeat music utterly fails to make conspiracy theories that take 3-7 trains of thought to explain seem plausible. For that, you need the History Channel’s conspiracy soundtrack. Perhaps Bachmann should have gone with the music from Ancient Aliens. That seems right up her alley.
Yet Bachmann, who despises Federal funding, slips in her failure to secure funding for the Stillwater bridge and even an airport as some how not a failure. Then she manages to call her attending of Margret Thatcher’s funeral equatable to the equally ridiculous acts of the Thatcher-Reagan conspiracy that brought down the Soviet Union despite the contributions of mostly Democrat / Labor administrations that seamed to do most of the tough work.
Oh but we can laugh at a clown all day long. As usual, we normally don’t laugh at clowns for their intentional humor, Bachmann’s jokes often fall the flattest as referenced in her above “comedy act”. Almost like nervous laughter.
From what I’ve read, the allegations that are beginning to encircle Michelle Bachmann are pretty damning, the FBI has now joined the investigation.
As dumb as Bachmann is, (and make no question, this lady is dumb as dirt) she was a terrific politician. She was able to turn a time she was ridiculed by Chris Mathews into a national donation fund. She jumped on the TP (or Tea Party, not Toilet Paper) wagon and started the TP Caucus in Congress, even dreamed up in her head a challenge to Tan Mom Speaker of the House John Boehner, only to fail miserably. Her run for the President was equally a fail, which saw her campaign wiped out in 2011 before voters even had a chance to call her a joke.
She aspired far beyond her pay-grade, like Joe McCarthy running for President (which even he was smart enough to never do), though she has/had the political sense to know when she’s finished.
For all her cheer about staying committed to the cause of idiocy, Bachmann knows deep down inside that leaving political office can lead to only three places, Faux News, a wonderful job lobbying for a corporation that most likely funded your entire political existence or obscurity.
Oh and let’s not forget her husband who stood up for the rights of people who wanted to make homosexuality seem like a disease.
Even Lyle, the Effeminate Homosexual, a classic SNL skit, couldn’t make a good case for Marcus Bachmann. Any man who routinely picks out his wife’s clothes and runs a pray-away-the-gay clinic (see above) is unquestionably straight, yeah, him and Richard Simmons.
When it comes to cheap laughs, Bachmann WILL be missed. Bill Maher’s team has filled hours with the antics of Marcus Bachmann, though outside of that…
She will not be missed, even by conservatives, who will lament her existence when the affidavits on her abuse of Presidential campaign funds turn into indictments and, perhaps, convictions of criminal abuse of the US political system, which if you are following the story, is where this whole thing is heading.
If conservatives want a scandal, they need not look further than their own backyard. Just like Bob Livingston and Newt Gingrich during the Clinton era, I somehow get the feeling that Bachmann is taking one for the team.
Michelle Bachmann is no fool, she’s just a patsy. Actually, I take that back, she’s both a fool and a patsy.
UPDATE:
Colbert recently put together a compilation of Bachmann’s greatest hits. Since this will likely be the last time we will be featuring the beloved clown of conservatism, I felt it belongs here:
